Throwback Thursday

Thanksgiving 2015. I never thought I would get here, nor did I ever expect to feel so thankful to be in the place I am at today. I am finally reaching a point in my life where I am able to remove myself from the past,  process it all, and begin to heal. I have thought a lot about my past, but I never truly processed everything from start to finish or picked apart my mindset at the time. I spent a lot of time feeling numb, or just not wanting to sort out my feelings at all. The funny thing about transition is that the more I match physically with who I have felt I always was on the inside, the more it seems that my brain finds the missing puzzle pieces to my past.

I have always been one to write down my thoughts.. whether it was journaling or blogging. Yesterday Time- Hop ( The phone application that shows you all of your social media activity from the past ) reminded me that I had a blog before this one that I wrote on pretty regularly. I blogged on it all throughout my marriage. I hadn’t revisited that blog for years. There were numerous posts that brought back some pain for me. Pain that I had been avoiding for a long time.Today as I was skimming my posts there was one in particular that stuck out to me:

29 Days

There are 29 days left until I return back to the good old U.S.A. Which seems like a lot considering I mis-calculated (or mis-Googled because I am way too lazy to actually calculate anything ) the other day and thought I had only 26 days left to go…making today only 24. Nope. 29. Thanks a million Google for making me actually do math. I barely have enough energy to write this blog after having to figure out that equation.

Anyways… you might be wondering why I am returning to the States. Perhaps just for a visit? Well yes, if you consider a year a visit. Truth is I am not really sure how everything is going to pan out in the end because a lot of things tend to happen in a year but the plan so far is that I will be attending Culinary school and then return to Germany upon completion. Of course there are a few things that could weigh in on future plans. Those things would be the time frame in which I complete culinary school, jobs, money, etc. etc. you get the point.

So now to the big question that I get asked every time I discuss my newest life endeavor. What about your husband? Great question. He will be here, doing what he does now…except without me moping around
with nothing to do. I get it folks, a year is a long time, and yes I get that you probably think that I am being a selfish bitch for leaving…the weird thing is I am actually okay with that. Okay, so I am not 100% okay with that thought- considering through out this whole experience one of my biggest lessons learned is never to judge anyone without knowing what it is like to be in their shoes. I could go off on a huge tangent right now but I will spare you before this becomes a rant.

It seems like a rather bold and unnecessary move to make…leaving Germany and going to culinary school and all..but I guess you could describe it as an Eat Pray Love moment. You know…the moment where Elizabeth Gilbert gets up in the middle of the night and cries on the bathroom floor thinking how much she doesn’t want to be living the life she is living? Alright, so it wasn’t quite that dramatic. If I woke up in the middle of the night and laid on the bathroom floor crying I would find myself face first in a pair of dirty boxer briefs.. The concept of finding myself is along the same lines. I need to find myself, and I don’t want to let my dreams just be dreams. Going to culinary school has been a dream of mine for a long time and I don’t think I could live with myself if I never sought it out. Better now than when I am in my 30’s barefoot and pregnant right? At least I am not abandoning any children.

Just so there is no confusion- I love Germany. It is beautiful here and I in no way, shape, or form, have any problems with the country or the people. In fact, I made more German friends than I did with other American military spouses. All through the internet of course. They were a great help in trying to get me acquainted with their country, and get me signed up for the marathon here that I have been training for..yet am leaving 3 days before. My real problem lies in the fact that I suck at being outgoing enough to really fit into this military community. I applied to jobs with no luck, and it doesn’t help that a lot of the spouses have been here together for a few years now. I am the new kid in class. The weird one that no one wants to play with unless they are given some sort of incentive or forced by the teacher.

Although it is not in the best of circumstances I am really looking forward to finally getting to go to culinary school. I feel selfish for making such a huge decision as this, but at the same time I feel brave.

Reading this was a huge reminder of how far I have come. This was the first step I took toward this journey that I am still on. It is the first time I did what was best for me. I put fear aside and stopped caring so much about what other people thought of me. I remember thinking that surely God was going to smite me. I was lost, and didn’t know how things were going to happen or if I would ever find my way but I knew that I needed to take a leap and make a change. Not only did God not smite me…but looking back I can see that he was there along side me the whole time.

It has been a year since I came out publicly. I am incredibly thankful that I took this first step to becoming my authentic self, and I am eternally grateful for the people that have supported me along the way and stuck by me even in the darkest of times. I can’t wait to see what else the future holds.

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Left: Thanksgiving Turkey Trot Mannheim Germany 2011 Right: Thanksgiving 2015

 

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This is how it always should have been.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday

  1. Yes, things have certainly changed. I hope you feel we (I) support you and if you don’t feel that please tell us what we could do better and let us know when we are doing ok. So glad you feel that when you look back the Lord has never left you but has always been right along side you. As Christians that is how we all feel when we look back and view choices we’ve made. Glad to see you continue to be a good work in progress which ends up being throughout one’s life through it never ends being a learning process, but we also experience the joys we never thought possible. Love you my son….continue to know who you really are and the path that is your journey. How you use your path is the key to your succeeding in life. Love you…mom❤️❤️

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Without change we don’t grow. The changes you have made have been huge, and I am proud that you have faced them and are on a path of health, happiness and confidence in your new self. You know too that it has been a difficult time of adjustment for Mom and I but I think we get it. When I look back over the years I can see how much you wanted to be a boy and how you always competed against them successfully. You always wanted to dress like a boy and hated dresses. I can remember when you wanted to play in the Auburn little league. I said what about softball? You said, no Dad, that’s a girls game! When you went to try outs you did better than half the boys there and made it. When the boys saw how you played they were glad to have you on their team. You were the same way with skateboarding. You know we support you and love you and have been adjusting to the change. Just know you can talk to us and we will always listen. Love you very much, Dad

  3. You know, I remember this blog post. We had just gotten acquainted over the internet and I was like “what, you’re in Germany! How awesome!”)… but look at what you have accomplished. I am so proud of you for living your true, authentic self.

    1. Haha so crazy. Sometimes I forget that I am still in touch with those who read that blog or knew me way back when. Thanks for sticking around through my crazy and being my internet friend. Still need to meet up in real life sometime. Funny to think we have been friends this long, yet have never met and live only an hour away lol

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