Rebirth

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me. It is the day of my rebirth. By rebirth I mean a total hysterectomy. ( Ovaries, Uterus, Cervix and whatever else that is not supposed to be in there. ) It is kind of a surreal feeling. I’ve been wanting this ever since I became aware of these organs existence.

Compared to top surgery I feel like the lead up to this one has been a bit lack luster. The results are not as physically obvious and appealing as chest surgery… but this step in my journey is still incredibly meaningful. ( After all, those little turds called ovaries are responsible for needing chest surgery in the first place. ) I feel like this surgery is finally giving me some closure. Hysterectomy. It is like removing the pulse to the memories and the pain of puberty. I will no longer be a part of the cycle of womanhood. I will officially be disconnected hormonally just as it should have been from the start.

I’ve been thinking back to my childhood a lot this week. I remember the days when I was free from any knowledge that I was any different than any other boy.

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Little did I know what life had in store for me.

I still remember the first day I joined the cycle of womanhood. I cried. I was so confused. Sure, this was okay to happen to my friends. They were girls… but this was not supposed to happen to me. I felt so much confusion and shame. This is also around the time where I began to struggle with anxiety. I didn’t want anyone to find out I had joined the woman’s club. It just wasn’t the right club for me. I was a boy. If the invite to this club was optional I would have surely checked the “Will not be attending” box.

Puberty was a dark time for me. Looking back I wish I could have found the words to express myself sooner about how I was feeling… but I was scared to talk about any of this. I was afraid to talk about feelings at all. At that time all I could really comprehend is that I felt a deep sadness. I had no name for it. I had no way to express it. I just knew something was not right.

Getting ready for this surgery has led me to process a lot of my feelings surrounding these organs that do not belong in my body. It may seem a bit dramatic to say that puberty was traumatic.. but can you imagine going through the wrong puberty? Stop for a second and imagine this: Men, can you imagine menstruating and growing breasts without being terrified and confused? Women, can you imagine sprouting all sorts of body hair, having your voice deepen, and not having the soft feminine features of a woman?

It is traumatic indeed. Gender dysphoria is no joke. It is still hard for me to describe what Gender Dysphoria feels like, but I know that I used to feel invisible. I survived going through the wrong puberty, and that is exactly what life was about before transition. Surviving. Now, I am doing more than just surviving, I finally feel like I am truly able to LIVE. It is amazing how much more I value life since transition. I no longer feel invisible.

Although tomorrow will bring a lot of physical pain, I feel like I am finally being set free.

I am incredibly thankful to have come this far in my journey, and even more thankful for the love and support of my family and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

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Realize

IMG_6907Today marks seven years since my wedding day. Although it seems like a blur there are specific moments that continue to flash through my mind. I remember coming through the doors to walk down the aisle and not knowing what emotions I was supposed to be feeling. Was I supposed to cry? What did I feel? Physically I felt naked and hungry, but emotionally I felt numb. It was the kind of life I had watched unfold in movies, but it was not the life I had imagined for myself. I never imagined myself as a wife. It all makes a little more sense now.

I don’t remember much of the reception afterwards, but I remember dancing to the song “Realize”. by Colbie Caillat for our first dance. That song will forever remind me of this day, the first dance, and the moment I realized the man I was dancing with had no idea who I was.

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I have realized a few things since this day seven years ago….

1. Life is short. Live it for yourself. No one is going to live your life for you, so don’t live like that is even a possibility. Don’t let other people’s opinions hijack your life.

2. Shame can kill. The less secrets you have, the less it allows for room for shame in your life. Being vulnerable is hard, but secrecy, silence, and judgement are breeding grounds for shame. Everyone always says “I’m only human.” Show people just how human you are. Empathy is key.

3. If it scares you, do it. Doing the very thing you are afraid of, can set you free. Fuck fear.

4. Failure is your greatest teacher. We learn some of our biggest life lessons from mistakes or failure. As long as you learn from it, failure doesn’t exist. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….

5. Follow your passion, dream big, and never give up. Persevere.

6. Never follow blindly. Ignorance is not bliss. Ask questions, do your research, keep your mind open and never stop learning.

7. Surround yourself with good people who support you, encourage you, have your back, and always push you to better yourself and call you on your shit.

8. It’s okay to say no. Know your limits. If you don’t want to do something. Don’t do it. There is a difference between being selfish, and self preservation.

9. Patience. You can’t always get what you want WHEN you want it. Things you want to achieve may seem impossible… but it may just take some time. I feel like transitioning has been a huge test of patience. Life is such a weird balance between being patient and taking action.

10. Love yourself. It sounds cliche but I didn’t realize how important this one was until now. Not loving yourself first is a sure way to find your way into a bad relationship of any sorts. Relationships are not meant to feed an emotional hunger. It is like feeding your body empty calories. It may satisfy you for a short time, but in the long run it doesn’t nourish you, and is bad for your health. If you are not okay alone, you can’t be okay in a relationship.

All of these realizations are an everyday work in progress for me. I am definitely not patient, I am still driven by fear, but I am learning how to use it as a motivator, instead of letting it debilitate me. I still hate being vulnerable and let feelings of shame creep up on me, but I am taking back my life and living it for myself. I am slowly learning to love myself, and will not allow for my life to be hijacked ever again.

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Life looks a little different than it did 7 years ago.

 

 

 

Freak

The word transgender has been all over the news lately. Most recently you may have had a two hour peek into Bruce Jenner’s life, or heard about the issues surrounding laws with using public restrooms. It is great to see transgender issues making their way into the media. It is at least an opportunity for discussion and education, but it has also been a reminder of how far society has to go in at the very least being tolerant to transgender individuals. ( I hate the word tolerance… because it is something that you “have” to do. We tolerate things like bad smells, or genital warts. )

I have experienced a pretty positive response through my transition so far. I have made it a point to surround myself with a close knit group of supportive people that I am incredibly thankful for, but reading some of the social media comments concerning bathroom use for transgender individuals was a bit of a reality check.

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Seeing words such as “Gross”, “creepy”, “disgusting”, “sick”, “freaks” and etc. ( the list goes on…) is really discouraging. These are words that have caused me much personal anguish, and a big reason of why it took me so long to consider transitioning. Most trans people have probably fought an inner battle with these words. They create wounds so deep it is hard to just bandage up and move on. It takes time to heal and it is like re-opening a wound to hear/see it coming from other people. I can only assume that people may use these words toward transgender people out of fear or lack of education. They most likely don’t personally know a transgender person.. not that they know of at least. It is a good reminder of why I am choosing to be more open about my own transition. I refuse to be ashamed, my world is not so freaky, and there is nothing creepy, sick, or disgusting about being transgender.

I’m a pretty normal guy… ( depending on which friend you ask ). I go to work in the morning, I come home, workout, eat, and sleep. ( Maybe even poop?! ) The only difference is that I was born with a few abnormalities. I may have a few more surgeries in my life, and my body doesn’t naturally produce enough testosterone on its own so I have to give my self an injection once a week. Being trans has taught me how to overcome many fears… a fear of needles being one of them. Every Saturday I go against all human instinct and self inject myself with a 1 and 1/2 inch long needle into my thigh.

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I had top surgery Sept. 25, 2014 and began taking testosterone on December 11, 2014. It has almost been 5 months. Here is what it has done for me so far:

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Some would say I did my transition a little bit backwards. Many guys go on hormones before they have top surgery, but I was on the fence on whether or not I would go on hormones at all. I was scared of many things about taking hormones and I wasn’t fond of the idea of having to rely on a medication for the rest of my life, but who is to say I wouldn’t have to rely on some sort of medication down the road…whether it is testosterone or something else…so I took the leap.

Top surgery day was one of the happiest days of my life. Before top surgery I wore something called a binder. It is an incredibly uncomfortable article of clothing that binds your chest to give it a flat appearance. It constricts your breathing and can even be dangerous if not worn correctly. But it eases dysphoria temporarily until surgery is a possibility. It is hard to believe I used to workout in a binder. ( not recommended! ) Before wearing a binder I would be so dysphoric about my chest that some days I wouldn’t want to leave the house. Unfortunately most insurance plans don’t cover things like top surgery, and many guys can’t afford to have surgery and are stuck wearing binders. I wore binders for about 2 years but was fortunate to have a friend help make top surgery possible for me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how grateful I am for this friend, or how there were times where I wanted to give up. She helped save my life.

I am currently going through my second puberty. Just like any other teenage boy I require more food and sleep or else I am a bad mood waiting to happen. There are also a few hot flashes here and there to add to the fun. I dream of the day I may have a beard, and I dread the day that I may lose all of my hair… but just like any other guy, these are things I can not control. Deciding to transition is a good lesson in letting go.

Bathroom anxiety is a real thing. If I am out in public I either hold my urine or I know where I can find a gender neutral bathroom or a single stall bathroom. I find myself keeping my liquid consumption down when I am out and about. I have only used the mens restroom once so far. It is always a hard call on which one to use. I fear being beat up if I am discovered in the mens room, and I fear being yelled at if I go in the woman’s restroom.

I am mis-gendered more now by people I know well, rather than strangers. Friends, and people at work have been great about the name change, but it seems that the pronouns are the hardest part. I think it is because when I am around people everyday they don’t notice as much change because my face is still familiar… but when I am in public places around people I don’t know, I am usually identified as male. I don’t hear my birth name nearly as often as I used to. It happens sometimes usually by someone in another department at work. I don’t take offense because I know they probably don’t know my situation, but it hurts more than giving myself an injection these days. I don’t take offense to people slipping up or taking some time to adjust to name and pronoun changes, I only take offense when a person refuses to use my name because of their own issues… it is just plain disrespectful.

This is a basic overview of what life for a transguy is like. Hopefully it helps take some of the mystery out of what a gender transition consists of. I live a pretty normal life, there is no need to be called a freak, or be disgusted by the way I live it. Although I am happier than I have ever been, there are still struggles. I face the fear of rejection everyday, and although I am strong enough most days to let negative things go, there are some days where hurtful words or situations can bring me down. I am just another human being. I live, breathe, and hurt just the same.