Finding Strength in Pain

Life can certainly be a roller coaster. I feel like I have been riding one hell of a ride since I moved into my new place. I’ve had some ups, and some downs…and then some more downs. It has brought on a pretty good amount of pain. More pain than I thought I could handle. The past few months has led me to develop a bad habit of anticipating pain with fear, and sometimes I let that fear defeat me. I have always been a dare devil when it comes to physical pain. In skateboarding, I would only let it intimidate me for a short time until I remembered that pain was temporary or until I got too pissed off to care. When it comes to emotional pain however, I am a complete pussy. It terrifies me. Fear is something that has nearly crippled me in the past. Lets face it, pain sucks. As humans our natural instinct is to avoid pain. It hurts, it could be damaging, and it will certainly never be forgotten. You may still remember the first time you fell off your bike as a kid, or the first time you experienced someone at school saying something hurtful to you. Pain can scar you, but you also learn from it, and it can make you stronger. No pain no gain right?

I am starting to realize that some of the most painful times in my life have also brought on some of the greatest periods of personal growth. Pain has forced me to step outside my comfort zone, it has taught me how to be vulnerable, and that showing emotions is okay. ( Alright, still working on this one ). It has also shown me that pain is temporary, and with time you begin to heal. Your scars will fade…they may never completely go away, but it is a good reminder of how much deeper your wound used to be, how far you have come, and how much you have learned from it.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that not only do the lows allow you to feel the highs, but that feeling anything at all is a blessing. Back when I was married I felt so numb. I didn’t know what love was, what heartbreak felt like, and I had completely numbed myself from feeling anything but the physical pain I brought on myself from running mile, after mile…after mile. I ran away from reality, emotions, and pain. Looking back now, I feel very lucky to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Can you imagine a life without knowing what love feels like?

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Tattoos wouldn’t exist if scars were not meant to be reminders. They are merely a fancy scar that we can mold into what we want it to remind us. This is my most recent tattoo. The lyrics of a Lumineers song. “It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all, the opposite of love’s indifference.” These lyrics have gotten me through a lot, and it now reminds me everyday that pain is just part of living that you should allow yourself to feel, and embrace. Shit happens, you learn from it, you grow stronger, and you move on.

 

 

 

 

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Legally Single

As of Oct. 17, 2013 I am officially single. I know, I have been single for awhile, but legally I am now divorced. Yep, this whole time I have been married. Don’t get divorced kids, it can get messy.

I got Married May 17th 2008 in Meadow Vista CA. Some of you may have even been there. It is all such a blur to me. Sometimes I look back and wonder how anyone even let me get married. I was 21 years old, an anxious mess, and hadn’t really even experienced life yet. I had my first sip of alcohol at my wedding. The year before I was too busy skateboarding to be concerned about anything else, and then suddenly, the next year I hung up my board, started dressing “like a girl” and somehow decided that getting married was the next step to my life. It was like forcing a puzzle piece in the wrong space. I wanted it to fit, it may have even looked like it did… but I knew it didn’t.

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2007

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2008 the last time I wore a dress… True story.

Getting married wasn’t the best decision I ever made, but I can’t say I regret it. I am a stronger person because of it, and it has made me appreciate life so much more. Even though I was gay, I felt like it was my only option at the time. I didn’t know what God had in store for me, or what the future held, but I just did what I thought was the right thing in the moment. Now I know better than to live for other people’s approval. I am realizing that other people’s approval of me is not going to improve my life. I have to live for my own happiness and I feel like God has given me a second chance at life to do just that. There are plenty of people out there who I can never please or earn approval from, but those who still love me for who I truly am are all that matter, and I am forever grateful for them.

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2013 legally single, and ready to mingle.

It feels pretty good to finally close this chapter in my life. Although my married status wasn’t exactly holding me back, I feel like I can finally move on and start the next chapter. It is strange to look back and see how much life has changed for me in only a few years. The biggest changes began when I started to create my own path. Instead of continuing to run from everything, I finally took a hold of life and decided that I would start being a participant rather than an observer. Life is like a video game and I finally figured out how to hit the right buttons. It is still a work in progress, sometimes I hit all the buttons and pretend I know what I am doing…but I am slowly figuring things out and becoming less afraid of going after what I want in life. Failure isn’t the worst case scenario, doing nothing is.

Cheers to the single life.