Thanksgiving 2015. I never thought I would get here, nor did I ever expect to feel so thankful to be in the place I am at today. I am finally reaching a point in my life where I am able to remove myself from the past, process it all, and begin to heal. I have thought a lot about my past, but I never truly processed everything from start to finish or picked apart my mindset at the time. I spent a lot of time feeling numb, or just not wanting to sort out my feelings at all. The funny thing about transition is that the more I match physically with who I have felt I always was on the inside, the more it seems that my brain finds the missing puzzle pieces to my past.
I have always been one to write down my thoughts.. whether it was journaling or blogging. Yesterday Time- Hop ( The phone application that shows you all of your social media activity from the past ) reminded me that I had a blog before this one that I wrote on pretty regularly. I blogged on it all throughout my marriage. I hadn’t revisited that blog for years. There were numerous posts that brought back some pain for me. Pain that I had been avoiding for a long time.Today as I was skimming my posts there was one in particular that stuck out to me:
There are 29 days left until I return back to the good old U.S.A. Which seems like a lot considering I mis-calculated (or mis-Googled because I am way too lazy to actually calculate anything ) the other day and thought I had only 26 days left to go…making today only 24. Nope. 29. Thanks a million Google for making me actually do math. I barely have enough energy to write this blog after having to figure out that equation.
Anyways… you might be wondering why I am returning to the States. Perhaps just for a visit? Well yes, if you consider a year a visit. Truth is I am not really sure how everything is going to pan out in the end because a lot of things tend to happen in a year but the plan so far is that I will be attending Culinary school and then return to Germany upon completion. Of course there are a few things that could weigh in on future plans. Those things would be the time frame in which I complete culinary school, jobs, money, etc. etc. you get the point.
So now to the big question that I get asked every time I discuss my newest life endeavor. What about your husband? Great question. He will be here, doing what he does now…except without me moping around
with nothing to do. I get it folks, a year is a long time, and yes I get that you probably think that I am being a selfish bitch for leaving…the weird thing is I am actually okay with that. Okay, so I am not 100% okay with that thought- considering through out this whole experience one of my biggest lessons learned is never to judge anyone without knowing what it is like to be in their shoes. I could go off on a huge tangent right now but I will spare you before this becomes a rant.
It seems like a rather bold and unnecessary move to make…leaving Germany and going to culinary school and all..but I guess you could describe it as an Eat Pray Love moment. You know…the moment where Elizabeth Gilbert gets up in the middle of the night and cries on the bathroom floor thinking how much she doesn’t want to be living the life she is living? Alright, so it wasn’t quite that dramatic. If I woke up in the middle of the night and laid on the bathroom floor crying I would find myself face first in a pair of dirty boxer briefs.. The concept of finding myself is along the same lines. I need to find myself, and I don’t want to let my dreams just be dreams. Going to culinary school has been a dream of mine for a long time and I don’t think I could live with myself if I never sought it out. Better now than when I am in my 30’s barefoot and pregnant right? At least I am not abandoning any children.
Just so there is no confusion- I love Germany. It is beautiful here and I in no way, shape, or form, have any problems with the country or the people. In fact, I made more German friends than I did with other American military spouses. All through the internet of course. They were a great help in trying to get me acquainted with their country, and get me signed up for the marathon here that I have been training for..yet am leaving 3 days before. My real problem lies in the fact that I suck at being outgoing enough to really fit into this military community. I applied to jobs with no luck, and it doesn’t help that a lot of the spouses have been here together for a few years now. I am the new kid in class. The weird one that no one wants to play with unless they are given some sort of incentive or forced by the teacher.
Although it is not in the best of circumstances I am really looking forward to finally getting to go to culinary school. I feel selfish for making such a huge decision as this, but at the same time I feel brave.
Reading this was a huge reminder of how far I have come. This was the first step I took toward this journey that I am still on. It is the first time I did what was best for me. I put fear aside and stopped caring so much about what other people thought of me. I remember thinking that surely God was going to smite me. I was lost, and didn’t know how things were going to happen or if I would ever find my way but I knew that I needed to take a leap and make a change. Not only did God not smite me…but looking back I can see that he was there along side me the whole time.
It has been a year since I came out publicly. I am incredibly thankful that I took this first step to becoming my authentic self, and I am eternally grateful for the people that have supported me along the way and stuck by me even in the darkest of times. I can’t wait to see what else the future holds.