This Is Me

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I shaved my head the other day. Well mostly, except a one-half inch long strip that runs down the center. My head has a happy trail. Don’t be jealous.

I hit a low point. It seems that whenever I hit a low point in life, or a point where I crave a need for change, I cut my hair. It has become my way of starting fresh when I need a reminder that without lows there are no highs and that I can be brave and move on.

At first, I felt a lot like this…

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But then after awhile, I started feeling more like this…

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It is kind of strange the way shaving your head brings out insecurities. Seeing the surface of my head for the first time, it’s exact shape, and every odd bump I had never seen before was interesting. I felt liberated, but a little vulnerable and exposed. Feeling vulnerable is not my strong point. Showing emotions is one thing, but I feel vulnerable every time I open my mouth. I see each word that comes out of my mouth as something that can be used against me. I am realizing I have a lot less issues with being shy, and a lot more issues with feeling vulnerable. I can be a perfectionist so I don’t like to reveal my flaws. It is as if I would rather say nothing than reveal something that someone may not like about me. The more I learn to love myself, the less I tend to care about whether someone else likes me or not. It is my life. This is who I am, and that is not going to change. As my friend Molly says… “I’m ready to let my freak flag fly”.

There are a few things you will learn about me once I open my mouth.

I’m not shy, I’m vulgar, I have a personality and an opinion, shit talking is like foreplay to me, I can’t sing sing to save my life, but I am also kind, caring, empathetic, and compassionate. I’m a good person and strangely enough shaving my head has given me a better sense of this. I recommend everyone shave their head at least once in your life. You will feel easy breezy beautiful. ( I do however, recommend waiting until summer ).

Hello world, this is me. Shaved head, tattoos, and gayer than Ellen Degeneres and Jane Lynch combined. I hope you will still like me, but if you don’t… well then, you don’t. Life goes on, and I can shave my head again next week.

 

 

 

That One Time, When I Thought I Wanted to Be a Personal Trainer.

Some of you may or may not know that I went to school to be a personal trainer/nutritionist. I’m athletic, I like sports, nutrition, and being active so it seems fitting right? Wrong. There are a few things I am good at in life– like taking off my socks in my sleep, drinking large amounts of kombucha, procrastination, and flushing toilets with my foot no matter what type of handle they have. However, there is one skill that I do not possess. Social skills.

I don’t know what happened to me in life where I felt like every opportunity was a great time for self sabotage.  I always seem to dive into whatever it is that creates the most fear in me. I have a tendency to want to do things that are not even remotely fitting to my personality. I am not sure whether to see it as stupidity or determination.

If you know me well, you will know that I am not quiet or shy in the least bit. However, you will also know that when it comes to certain social situations I can be very shy and awkward. Personal training was always a shy and awkward experience for me. Considering I am also immature, being in a career where farting is an occupational hazard… is probably not the best. If you fart. I will laugh at you. I don’t care how many crunches you did, or what you ate before you came into your session. That is some funny shit, and I will laugh or giggle awkwardly.

Before I was certified as a personal trainer I was required to take a class called group exercise instruction. What comes to mind when you think group exercise instruction? Zumba? Jazzercise? Step? Yes, and yes. Picture this. Me, in front of a whole class, with a microphone teaching jazzercise.

I was a little less glamourous than Brittney spears..

Britney Spears

and a little more manly than richard simmons.

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Pretty funny right? This is not my worst nightmare you are laughing at. This was my reality for a good semester of college. I will say though that I was a pretty damn good step instructor. I’ve got a little bit of rhythm for a white girl. Just don’t ask me to dance.  I will step on you.

Thinking about getting up in front of that class every week made me feel like I was going to vomit. Somehow I not only made it through that class, but I made it through with perfect attendance. I awkwardly stepped, danced, and nearly vomited my way through the class. It was my hell on earth but getting through it helped me realize that I am capable of so much more than I thought.

I quickly learned that personal training wasn’t for me, but I think that this time in my life made me way more capable of pushing through the hard times I had ahead. I still struggle with wanting to run away or throw in the towel when I am discouraged or when a situation becomes uncomfortable. But I am learning now that I am strong enough to not run away. I am still the same awkward, immature, person but I have realized that I am not the only one that doesn’t have all of life figured out. My eye contact may be lacking, but I have a strong handshake. I may not know when to say hi, and when I can just pass by with a smile or a nod.. but I am learning to not care and realize– no one knows exactly what they are doing 100% of the time.