Igniting The Fire

No matter what I do, I don’t think I will ever forget this date. May 17th 2008. Eight years ago today, I got married. Eight years ago. Perhaps I should think about moving on with my life. There is a certain sadness that revolves around this date, but it isn’t the loss of a marriage that brings the sadness… It reminds me of a time that I surrendered the fire that I once had in me for something I thought I had to do. Never again will I surrender my life.

It is kind of a trip when I look back at the old photos or video of that day. It seems like a whole other life ago. It doesn’t even feel like that is me walking down that aisle. I want to simultaneously slap and hug myself. I had no idea who I was, nor did I have any idea that I was letting fear lead my life.

At the time, I thought that the life I was leading was what God wanted for me. I was a devout Christian. I went to church every Sunday, I tried to be a living example, I saved myself for marriage and I found someone who I thought also shared the same faith and morals. Life seemed to be going as it should… but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I wasn’t following God with love, I was following with fear.

There are a couple of things in life that are powerful at bringing people together. Those things are love, and fear.

I felt the fear of God’s wrath way stronger than I felt God’s love. I think that often many churches or relationships are built more on fear than they are on love. Fear of consequence, fear of judgement, fear of hell, fear of abandonment.

After my divorce, and at the beginning of my coming out process the only way that I was able to move away from fear was when I asked myself. “What if there is no God?” What if this is all for nothing and I am just creating my own personal hell on earth? The only way that I could get rid of my fear, was by abandoning God.

There is something wrong here.

I was taught God’s “love” in a way that it was all or nothing. You follow him, or you don’t. It is hell or heaven, right or wrong. Have you heard the good news? Sounds more like an abusive relationship to me.

I had an abusive relationship with God and I broke up with them. I stormed out the door middle finger in the air and never looked back until I realized that my relationship with God was built off of fear.

I no longer hold onto anger when thinking about God. People often ask how I can be trans and believe in God. My simplest answer to that is that although I believe in God, I still don’t believe in the God I did when I got married.

So what do I believe in now?

I think I am still on a path at discovering who God is to me, but so far I do know that God is love.

God is those moments where you can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of love, joy, gratefulness and peace. Maybe you find God in the sunsets, or the sunrise, the moments in nature where you stop, take a deep breath and are overwhelmed with sense of being completely present in that moment. Maybe you find God at a concert, or during worship. The music overrides your body and that sense of presence brings warmth to your life. God is in those moments when you share love, compassion, and joy with others. God can feel and mean something different to everyone. That is why it is a “personal relationship”.

As I walked down that aisle eight years ago…I never would have guessed I would be where I am at in my life today. May 17th, 2008 doesn’t exactly carry the same meaning with it that I thought it would. It is not an anniversary to celebrate, but instead it is a life marker to look back on and see how far I have come.  May 17th 2008 is perhaps a record of one of the poorest decisions in my life… ( lucky you if you were there to witness it! ) but what has come out of it has opened my eyes, helped me grow, and help me become a more resilient and appreciative person. This date is now a reminder to always live with fire and follow what I am most passionate about and do what makes makes me feel most alive.

If nothing else, at least I can say that I have been married, divorced, gay, and transitioned from female to male all under the age of 30. Imagine what I can say by the time I am 40.

“God is the absence of fear, for there is no fear in love.”

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Rebirth

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me. It is the day of my rebirth. By rebirth I mean a total hysterectomy. ( Ovaries, Uterus, Cervix and whatever else that is not supposed to be in there. ) It is kind of a surreal feeling. I’ve been wanting this ever since I became aware of these organs existence.

Compared to top surgery I feel like the lead up to this one has been a bit lack luster. The results are not as physically obvious and appealing as chest surgery… but this step in my journey is still incredibly meaningful. ( After all, those little turds called ovaries are responsible for needing chest surgery in the first place. ) I feel like this surgery is finally giving me some closure. Hysterectomy. It is like removing the pulse to the memories and the pain of puberty. I will no longer be a part of the cycle of womanhood. I will officially be disconnected hormonally just as it should have been from the start.

I’ve been thinking back to my childhood a lot this week. I remember the days when I was free from any knowledge that I was any different than any other boy.

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Little did I know what life had in store for me.

I still remember the first day I joined the cycle of womanhood. I cried. I was so confused. Sure, this was okay to happen to my friends. They were girls… but this was not supposed to happen to me. I felt so much confusion and shame. This is also around the time where I began to struggle with anxiety. I didn’t want anyone to find out I had joined the woman’s club. It just wasn’t the right club for me. I was a boy. If the invite to this club was optional I would have surely checked the “Will not be attending” box.

Puberty was a dark time for me. Looking back I wish I could have found the words to express myself sooner about how I was feeling… but I was scared to talk about any of this. I was afraid to talk about feelings at all. At that time all I could really comprehend is that I felt a deep sadness. I had no name for it. I had no way to express it. I just knew something was not right.

Getting ready for this surgery has led me to process a lot of my feelings surrounding these organs that do not belong in my body. It may seem a bit dramatic to say that puberty was traumatic.. but can you imagine going through the wrong puberty? Stop for a second and imagine this: Men, can you imagine menstruating and growing breasts without being terrified and confused? Women, can you imagine sprouting all sorts of body hair, having your voice deepen, and not having the soft feminine features of a woman?

It is traumatic indeed. Gender dysphoria is no joke. It is still hard for me to describe what Gender Dysphoria feels like, but I know that I used to feel invisible. I survived going through the wrong puberty, and that is exactly what life was about before transition. Surviving. Now, I am doing more than just surviving, I finally feel like I am truly able to LIVE. It is amazing how much more I value life since transition. I no longer feel invisible.

Although tomorrow will bring a lot of physical pain, I feel like I am finally being set free.

I am incredibly thankful to have come this far in my journey, and even more thankful for the love and support of my family and friends.